Laughing Matters: Digesting E-Donuts

In one of those little signs of the times that make you wish you were living in a different century, a national donut franchise giddily announced recently that you can now send in your order via text message and then go right to the front of the line when you arrive to pick up your donuts. The donut people are quite proud of this innovation, as if it's the greatest thing since the invention of the sprinkle.

Yet when we dissect this concept, its many flaws become readily apparent. I'll go so far as to say that this is the greatest threat to our culture since "Dancing with the Stars." Here's why:

• The ordering process always requires two parties: an ordering party and an order-taking party. This means that the donut place has to devote one of its staff to watching for text messages and filling those orders -- instead of helping customers who are already in line, thus reducing overall wait times. And that eliminates any benefit you might gain in the first place from ordering long johns on your cell phone from the comfort of your weaving car. Yes, the person who thought up this concept is one filling short of an éclair.

• The worker who takes the electronic order -- the e-donut fulfillment specialist -- can't be just any employee. He or she must possess the special skills demanded of text message recipients; for example, the ability to know that "4 glz 2 c/ck 2 b/c cof " translates to "four glazed, two chocolate cake, two bear claws and coffee" and not "four girls, two o'clock check out, two border collies and a coffin." To train the average donut store employee to be an e-donut fulfillment specialist would take, based on my informal estimate of these workers' intelligence, approximately three years.

• Is it really a good idea to combine the laziness of avoiding standing in line for a few minutes with the unhealthiness of a food that is, basically, industrial-strength lard and heavily sugared varnish? If you follow this lifestyle, perhaps you should find out whether the laws in your state require that you disclose that fact to your health insurer.