I Can't Stand the Truth

NOTICE: This column contains unedited, forward-looking language that may or may not be a good investment of your time.

One thing I think all accountants can be proud of is their contribution to the idea that it is good to disclose things. I first noticed this phenomenon while reading annual reports, the "notes" half of which are diatribe of disclosure. Accountants are the primary authors of these notes, which, according to my lengthy and careful analysis, explain in great detail something about numbers. These days, you can’t even pick up a quarterly earnings news release without noticing that it includes "forward-looking" statements and may include language that any sane person would consider delusional.

Yet while I applaud the accounting profession with one hand, I must slap you with the other, because I think you have furthered disclosure in other fields. And I could do without it.

Actually, I think disclosure began with accounting — although those of you who practice it may be slapping your knees at that thought and wiping the tears of laughter from your eyes. Disclosure began there because money is very important to people, so it is critical that information about money has some bearing to what a growing number of philosophers refer to as "reality." This tell-all attitude then seeped into the second-most important aspect of people’s lives, cars.

Of course not even a speed-reader with exceptional vision can read these disclosures, but televised car ads now feature lengthy, fact-laden language about things called "APR" and "MSRP" and "$10,000 for dealer prep and fleecing."

Lately I have noticed that the disclosure fad has contaminated pharmaceutical advertising. Every television ad features some rapid-fire, subdued voice at the end that slips in sobering information about the advertised drug, and every magazine ad is followed by pages of tiny type that tell you what the advertised drug might really do.

I first noticed this with a drug called Claritin. It’s for hay fever, and I paid a lot of attention to ads for it because, well, I am a recovering sneezer. To those of you who don’t bear the curse of hay fever, America’s noisy debilitator, it makes sufferers sneeze and reddens their eyes. I’ve called in sick may times because I feared that my sneezing might damage office equipment. "Once-a-day, nondrowsy, mint-flavored Claritin Reditabs offer release," claims one magazine ad. Well, this sounds very good until you read the rest of the ad on the following page and see that side effects can include nervousness, wheezing, impotence, angioneurotic edema, rigors, palpitations, urinary incontinence and hiccups, which make sneezing seem not all that bad.

Then there’s Paxil. "Has social anxiety put your life on hold?" one ad asks. "You are not alone. Social anxiety disorder affects over 10 million Americans. Social anxiety disorder is an intense, persistent fear and avoidance of social situations." Well, again, that’s me. I would rather be hurt with heated pliers than have to be in a room full of, say, Mary Kay people. So I was thinking that this drug might be for me — until excessive disclosure again spoiled the day. The "most commonly observed adverse events" associated with this drug include sweating, decreased libido, nausea, tremors and — my favorite — abnormal ejaculation. Somehow, I don’t think that a fear of social situations can be lessened if the drug to cure it causes sweaty tremors or embarrassing abnormal ejaculations, particularly if they occur while you are delivering an important speech.

Finally, there’s fat-blocking Xenical. This wonder drug can slim you down faster than a reorganization — so long as you don’t mind oily spotting, gas with discharge, urgent need to go to the bathroom, increased number of bowel movements and inability to control bowel movements. What good is being thin if suddenly you drop off of everyone’s party list? Then you’d develop social anxiety and have to start hitting the Paxil, and one can only shudder at the consequences of the combined drugs.

Some things, people are better off not knowing. See what you started?

Dan Danbom’s Paxil prescription is being refilled.